In Search of The Light...

I have no idea what to title this blog. I just know that I need to vent. I'm not mad at anyone in particular...just maybe myself. Maybe not even that. I just feel kinda lost right now...ha, now, more like still. I really want to get away from everything and go out on my own and just read, and practice my horn. I want to be away from civilization and find myself. I pray and all I do is talk, how can I even hear God if he is telling me something? I can't, and that's the problem. I need so much and only He can provide. I also feel like I'm being pressured by people...people from home that I've known my entire life, family, and friends from church. My dad recently has decided that I should take a more active part in church by preparing a couple of songs to direct the congregation. And for the past two Sundays, not this one, my dad and my pastor have gave me the duty of reading infront of the church and/or taking up offering. Now, I don't mind doing or going to do these things, and I appreciate my father and pastor giving me a chance to do them, but I don't like the reasoning behind it. If the reason were to get used to having a responsibilities I wouldn't mind, but the reasoning is so I CAN TAKE THEM OVER! This bothers me, because at the moment I don't want to come back to Hazard. I love my family and I do like the place I grew up...but I don't know if I want to come back. If I did, I would be living in others shadows, well there goes David's boy, or there that Francis kid, the one who always did so well. Now these are compliments in a way, but I would like to go out on my own and pave my own way. How could I go through life riding on the coat tails of others. I try to never follow the ordinary, I want to be me, not a member of the masses. But right now, I don't even really know who I am at times, or what I'm striving for. Things are blurry, maybe because I don't want to get myself hurt, or that I'm blinded by something. I'm looking forward to my trip to Europe, but I don't want to go this way. I would like to have some feeling of resolve. I know one thing that will be a long battle is my weight. It's really starting to get me down. Not so much that I hate being fat, but I hate hurting my friends because I am. I've always tried to use my fat in a positive out look to cheer up others, but it hurts me to think that people can only accept my weight so much. I know all my friends love and care about me, no matter how I look. But that can only go so far. For someone to love me more, to be in love with...can they do that with my weight? Hopefully that person would see past it and love me for who I am, but I can't let them do it. That would be selfish, and I hate being selfish. It is my sacrifice to lose the weight for the one I love...where ever they may be. I would love to be the perfect guy for them, and that's going to take a lot of work from me, so looks like it's time to shut up or put up. I can talk a great game, but you can't win the game if you don't play. I'm gone...if I don't post for awhile, it's not because I'm lazy, hopefully it's because I've gone to do what I've wanted, and found myself. Till then take it easy...and to all my friends, thank you for loving me no matter how I look.